Bitterness

Well, it's mid February, it's about time for a little bitterness.  Don't you think?  I mean it's supposed to be cold, grey, cloudy, snowy, and icy.  But the bitterness isn't in the weather this year.  It's burning inside me at this very moment.  I keep trying to let go, but it's still harboring inside me.  It's sunny and cold outside, but I need that sun to melt the bitterness in my own heart. Not very yogic.....

Here's what happened.  For almost a year now I've been working on the Creative Connection Art/Yoga Program.  I've found some success this year (and I must not forget those successes).  I gained permission to provide this program to my students after school, I gained a trained yoga volunteer for the program, I started yoga teacher training myself, I even gained a Donor's Choose Grant to get yoga mats and other supplies.

The next step came to get a grant.  A bigger grant.  A $5000 grant to help fund the program, gain other supplies, gain another volunteer, and maybe even get a little stipend for myself for all the money,training, and time I've put forth.  The grant was to come from the district! WOW!!! What a thought?!  The school disrict actually providing opportunity for the MOST disadvantaged students with an amazing, innovative program.  So--- I applied. 

Didn't get it.  No mention of why, no mention of what I could do better, no parital funding.. NOTHING! My principal wasn't even notified.  I had to tell him.

That's why I'm bitter.  To lose that bitter taste and to gain something positive from this experience I decided to write "Dream Fund" committee a letter.  I am asking them to tell me why I didn't get it.  Could it have been a stupid mistake?  A clerical error?  OR what? Or why not give me half the money, a quarter? Something?? Is it because I'm not really "in" the district and I need to "know" someone on the committee?  WHAT?

Argh, what is even worse is that it pretty much ruined my weekend.  I am sad to say it got to me.  It pretty much sat within me the whole weekend and I just couldn't let it go.  I felt so defeated.  It has been something that I've pretty much poured my whole life into.  To get a rejection that I thought was cold and formal really just hurt.  I took it personally.

It's time to pick up where I've left off.  Move on from this, and learn from it.  Stay committed to what my goal is... Providing an innovative program to bring self awareness and creativity to my students, and others!

I am going to keep trying. I'm going to keep doing.