After years of looking after kids in various capacities, I don't remember ever feeling this upset over something that was out of control... well, except for that kid I chased down back in 1997. I worked for a day camp, this kid who was out of control, on serious medication, and aggressive didn't want to follow directions. And so I was about to take him back to my office (I was the head counselor at the time) and cool out. He decided to sprint off. SO what did I do? Go after him. I think we sprinted for a good mile, we both got winded, I managed to hold onto his tee-shirt for about 1/2 hour while he was fighting me, and a cop finally came and found us. I went home that day and lost it.... It was the most stressed I had ever been, and I only reacted based on instinct..
So here's the story about this last week that really put me into a similar-feeling situation, although this time I was an on-looker:
Here's what happened:
I heard some yelling outside my door during first period. Luckily I don't have a class, so I just stood at my door to just make sure everything was ok. The only thing I was doing, was preparing for my next class. Well, the kid got quiet all of a sudden and started walking down the hallway. Mr. M was the detention specialist who was trying to get him to calm down. But the kid wouldn't listen. The kid walks towards me, and right past me into my classroom without a word, or a glance. His eyes immediately start darting around the room, and I immediately assumed he was looking for something to use as a weapon. He walks the perimeter of my room slowly, but with deliberate steps. In the meantime, Mr. M and I are saying things like: Why don't you have a seat? Let's sit down and talk, let's just take a break (all in non-threatening tones).
All of a sudden the kid passes the front of the room and picks up the yardstick I had been using to draw this morning.... Mr. M immediately reacted and said: put it down son. And the kid raised it up as to hit one of us with it. But Mr. M grabbed him, immediately got the yardstick out of his hands, and got the kids hands behind his back.. AMAZING REALLY...
However, that was just he beginning. The kid struggled for about 1/2 an hour. 3 male adults had to restrain him on my floor while he was spitting, thrashing his head around and yelling all kinds of things. I think Mr. M. got hit by the kids head thrashings, but that was it. They tried to let him walk out of the room, but he continued to put up a fight. They finally had to drag him out of my room, back to his room. In his room he decided to yell, slam himself into the door, and they finally had to sedate him.
As soon as he was gone, I just broke down. It just came over me and I got really upset. Mostly, because I never would have expected that kind of violent outburst from the kid, but yet it was a reminder at how dangerous it can be in here. It's a reminder of how dangerous a kid can be. Which is extremely upsetting to me.
I'm so much better now, because there's nothing I could have done to change the situation, and I know that. But still, kids are kids in my eyes. It's hard to see a real aggressive struggle take place in front of you. I know that these kids are like loose cannons, but I can't help but feel empathetic to their life situations. It's almost like they're trying to survive among wild beasts. They are in survival mode.
What started his rage? Why did he thrash around? Why was he willing to hurt someone else? No particular reason why as far as I can tell. Maybe it was a bad day for him, he didn't feel like being told what to do, he didn't know how to handle his feelings, he didn't have his medication, he heard some bad news about his case... I don't know! But does it really matter in the moment? No. Obviously this kid's disobedience is at the very bottom of this hopeless and helpless pit he seems to have been put in or put himself in.
Argh.
But here it is Monday again.. Time to start the week over, time to kind of shed what happened last week and not let last weeks incident slip into the new week that seems so far unblemished. Time to move forward. And I am.. Today was a pretty good day as far as school days go. Kids did work, I saw some of them smile, I helped them work. It was good. Can I see myself doing this for an extended period of time?
no.
It really is hard. It's stressful work. As much as I do enjoy the little successes, it's frustrating to know you will never get far with any of these kids, they're not getting what they need, but it's nothing you can give them.
So, bring on Tuesday. I think I can handle it.
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